This is what I don't understand:
I don't understand why my heart hurts so much.
Why does memory hurt so much. I see "M" on New Year's Eve full in the knowledge of what he is about to do. Having lied about committing to work on our marriage and to committing to counseling. Lying that there is no one else in his life. Lying that he is not leaving. I see him pouring us wine and laughing in our friend's kitchen. Sitting at a table that was full so that I am unable to sit with him. He shrugs at me, pretending to be unable to move or make room for me. He dances with me and poses for pictures and takes my arm so I don't trip while we are walking. He rarely makes eye contact. Except when I look up and see him watching me from across the room. I smile and he continues to look at me expressionlessly. I can't decipher his look. He knows that he is about destroy 11 years together. He only has to wait for me to leave for my trip to New England. Ka will be back from her trip. He only has to wait for that. Thinking of Ka. Knowing that everything he and I say for the next six days will be a lie. That making love to me will be a lie. That he has done this with his first and second wife makes him very good at this. He is done. And he will do anything to get out of this life with me.
This image or another equally painful one will rise up from my chest leaving me feeling lost and alone and so confused. The same unanswerable questions wash over me. And despite my friends and my job and my daughter I slide under the water for awhile. Pray, the woman said, pray for strength, courage and wisdom. Pray. I am not alone in any of this. I have to trust in that. There are good men, and good relationships. There will be joy and trust. I have to believe in hope not in the hopelessness that "M" represents. Not in betrayal. Please God help me to float.
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1 comment:
You are most definitely not alone in this. We, your friends and family who love and treasure you, will help keep you afloat as long as you need us. But frankly, your belief that you are indeed worthy of joy and trustworthy relationships, and the fact that you are already reveling in some will be what makes it highly unlikely you'll drown. Hopefully, while you're floating, you can let those negative M. images sink and get lost in the murky bottom.
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