A miracle

yesterday was a very bad day.
After my experience on the deck the night before, I woke up distressed and overwhelmed.
The idea of M living next door to the house he shared with me for almost eleven years took on this horrifying cast. M is a troubled, angry man. He was never wrong in his anger. And he worked very hard at reminding me of how I had frustrated him and belittled him, ignored him and lied to him. It never occurred to me that frustrating, belittling, lying, or ignoring the people I loved had never been a behavior I had indulged . It never occurred to me that he was convincing me of something that was simply not true.
If we had two full days without a disagreement, or without him correcting or chiding me it felt like heaven. M would threaten me. He also drank wine with me, and made love to me, lived with me. I cooked to please him and took him coffee every morning of our life together. I bought him gifts and clothes to let him know how much he meant to me. I rushed home to be with him, emailed back and forth with him all day, spoke to him at least twice a day. We were connected in so many ways - positive and negative ways. Deeply. Or so he convinced me that we were.
And then he decided it was not worth the effort. Or that he could no longer pretend to love me. Or was it something else that caused him to leave me as he had his previous wives? I will never know what he realized. He convinced Ka that it was moral and right to desert our marriage and move 25 feet away into her house. Did they think no one would notice??

so... yesterday was a very bad day.
Chest pains and shortness of breath, and long periods of sobbing. Hopelessness and fear. Who would go with me to the Emergency Room? Who would care?
A day of feeling further and further away from life. On the periphery, no longer connected to anyone directly. Who would miss me as I am now?

A very bad day.
Chest pains. I saw my counselor and she spoke softly and with so much concern. She tried to center me and calm my breathing. Tried to help me see beyond my fear and anguish. We went to the Wednesday night service. It is the service before the Belize trip and there were lots of teenagers and families. I was lightheaded from the pain, and scarred shitless.
After communion I went to the side altar for a blessing where an elderly member of the church stood in bermuda shorts and black knee-high socks. He had difficulty with my name "glenda?" With shaking hands he annointed me with oil and spoke the brief blessing. Then he paused. The next few sentences were all ad-libbed - words from his heart. He spoke of peace and security in the lord. It was lovely and simple and full of love. I rose from my knees and my chest pain was gone.
The pain has not returned.
Gone.