a letter to a friend

Darling friend,

I thought of you again yesterday, as I do most days, and sent much love... then the everything hit the fan and I realized why you were so strongly in my thoughts.

After two days of pain I called the dentist and she dicovered a cracked molar that may require a root canal and a crown for a mere $2,000 or if I'm lucky just a crown for $800. After 2 hours being drilled and filled I may be lucky. The pain isn't nearly as bad today and that indicates the roots may be okay and I'll just have to get a crown.

I was to go to a gallery with some friends but opted to lay low after seeing the dentist. I even had two videos, thinking Ka (who has been away to the beach since Sunday) would still be gone for a day or two. For five days it had been wonderful here- the refuge I knew it could be. No fears, no anticipation of his presence. At 7:00 she arrived home with her friends. So
I went indoors for some peace. While watching TV a car went by, and I knew. M hid his car in her garage. And soon after they were all on the deck drinking wine and chatting. I started screaming. I stood in the dark in my room and watched silently, then went into the core of the house, curled up and screamed and cried until I couldn't do it anymore. So now they believe
it is all right to be here. They believe it is their right and their intent.

I don't understand any of this. Their cruely. Their cowardice and lying and cheating I will never understand. But moreover, my intellect understands that M is a bad man, he likes to hurt women, he repeats patterns that I was only one piece of. Our relationship was never healthy. I invested everything I had in a abusive and negative hole. Intellectually I hear that he did me a favor by leaving. That he may even find happiness with someone more like him, Ka. Then I remember my stupididties and immaturities and all I feel is unworthy and ugly and deserving of watching my husband live with his lover in the house next door to me. I remember what I thought were lovely promising times and am overwhelmed with how they must of been lies, that I am and will be alone knowing how I failed. That the years I tried to keep this marriage viable were useless and stupid. That I was selfish and childish and unlovable and unforgiveable. I told Sherrill, my counselar, that I was drowning and everything I had known to float kept sinking when I grabbed on. She asked me what did I need to survive? I didn't ask for a rescue, or a power boat, or even an inner tube. I asked to see the hint of land. Just a glimpse of the shore in the distance and I can hang on. Right now, and for the last seven months, there has been no shore. No hope.

Molly is gone. She returns next weekend to see the doctor. Her foot is still in terrible shape. I worry about her and pray for her as often as I breathe. She too is feeling lost. Our two weeks together were intense. Thank God I had a week here alone before Ka and M decided to play house next door.

Oh darling. Thanks for listening... again. If I emerge from this dark place I will be like Scrooge in the Christmas Carol - and there will never be a finer and more giving person in all of ... in all of ...wherever I live. Thank you for you help and love. Perhaps with your loving guidance, and the love of my friends, my intellect and my broken heart will come together and
find some peace.

I love you and am so grateful for your kindness,
g